The Story of T'Neal - A Breast Milk Baby

I woke one sunny morning of March two thousand eleven to AM TV revelling in some discovery. Blurry eyed I missed most of what was going on but I got the idea that a pair of women were discussing the 'merits' of a toy doll designed to encourage prepubescent girls to practice the art of breast feeding, and the magic of motherhood.

It may well have been around the same time that the press was covering the story of Poppy, a pre-teen girl whose mother had bought her a voucher for a boob job. "I'm sure I'll hate my body when I grow in to it. There's nothing god has made, that mommy cannot fix"

To be honest, I deliberately didn't deconstruct these realities.I decided to let them play out and to see what might transpire.

As it happens Poppy gave me a great, but somewhat edgy, performance poem. But The Breast Milk Baby had so much more to offer.

So next thing I find I'm purusing their website feeling for all the world like a gruesome peadophile. I mean just look at their schmaltzy, crumby, sickenly stomach churningly BAD WebSite:

On their site they tell us "The Breast Milk Baby lets young girls express their love and affection in the most natural way possible, just like mommy!". You have to believe that they used the word 'express' quite willfully. Here's a bunch that appreciate a sense of homour I thought.

So when I learnt they were holding a competition to win one of these beauties, well, I just had to didn't I?

To win I would have to make and publish about 20 videos on the subject of The Breast Milk Baby. Look, here's one - be sure to have the sound up:

 

I somewhat obsessively made video after video just like that one, but worse, much worse. It seems the website has changed. I distinctly remember learning that it is produced by a christian fundamental family firm somewhere in the good old US of A. Without working out why - I was determined to win one of these. determined to make more videos than any one else across the globe. But it seemed everytime I released a new video Legless Loose Luise from Louisiana had another 3 hours of life in her tin can trailer posted. I didn't know until the last minute if I would succeed.

And they sent her to me. After a very cordial e-mail exchange regarding courier instructions. I was determined not to attack these poor sorry bastards, either during the interaction or else thereafter in performance.But I already knew she was to be called Little Cunt.

She came with a littlestrap-on apron with rubberisied false nipples. I almost forgot that grotesquery.

Chris was outraged and insisted she had a real name as well, so we christened her T'Neal - which I spell variously since as a father now, I really cant be arsed to remember the little cunt's name.

That's the full story. Except to say she has her own coat hooks in our flat. Here are the words to her starring piece:

Little Madam

Little cunt

Will grow up

To hate her

Mammy

She’ll be a disappointment

Everyday

She’ll be a dirty parasite

Sucking away

She’ll be a member

Of the human race

CHORUS:

You’re a joke little cunt

You’re a madam

You’re a joke little cunt

I should say

You’re a joke little cunt

You’re a bad ‘un

You’re a joke little cunt

Your just that way

Little cunt

Will grow up

To fuck over

Daddy

She’ll kill him

With her love

He'll hate it

When she marries

For some punk has

Her up the duff

CHORUS

Little cunt

Will grow up

To be a

Special

A princess

Some might say

She'll live down to

All expectations

For all life

Is a waste

CHORUS

You’re a joke

Little cunt

You’re just that way

You little cunt

T'Neal will be starring in "Cradle To The Grave" from the 13th to the 18th of August at the Edinburgh PBH Free Fringe Festival. 1pm daily at The Royal Oak 1 Infirmary St,SOUTH SIDE,Edinburgh,EH1

LONDON 4x4 Performance Relay

LONDON 4x4 Performance Relay

100% fair, transparent, positive and FREE

Picture of a dark, dark playground

I've travelled round the London performance scene for six years now, performing and photographically preserving thousands of artists and promoters. I see a large (yet finite) number of disconnected groups at varying levels of maturity and/or social conscience. There is a wealth of energy and talent, often either ill focussed or lacking in intensity.

And there is competition. This affects different groups in different ways. There are limited (free) venues with more closing by the day it seems. There are limited audience members as few of us have the spare cash for mid-week performance gigs (at least as regards the cost of the beverages needed to complete such a night).There is a limited time window (with London's tube system closing down around midnight). And then with higher aspirations, there are limited contacts into the BBC, Sky, Radio, Major Festivals. Pour lots of individual groups into a hot bed like this and it has to be true that energies are being wasted.

This in the face of the fact that every individual group has a heart that it tries to follow. There seems to be no model in place that can overcome this difficulty. When I lived in the North East I was, for a time, the chair for Stockton Music and Arts Collective (SMAC) – running several bands a night in a 400 year old theatre building that was otherwise a millstone around the council's neck (to be honest, I probably did less for SMAC when I was chair than I did beforehand!). I would like to create something in London that sends out a signal flare of what can be achieved by co-operative effort.

Something that celebrates every 'level' of artist in an environment where the famed/respected is supporting and are supported by 'the new blood' – at four levels across four dimensions.

The four levels are:

• The Great and Good – to help catalyse the event, to instil excitement in the other participants; Simply to lend their name to the campaign and to play one free set on one agreed night in 2013 in central London, for free.
• The Local Heroes – Two 'feature' sets on that same night. For a month prior to the gig all interested bands can collect evidence of stage minutes played for free around the circuit. The logic being whichever band has worked hardest to give away performance time in London gets the benefit of a really good gig to play. The second feature band will be chosen entirely at random from all interested bands.
• The Have A GO Heroes – There will be an open mic opportunity on a strict first come first served basis.
• The Unknown Soldiers – in an ideal world I would also display all 2,000+ photographs I have of London performers on a suite of digital photo frames, so that in a sense every one of those performers are part of the gig.

The four dimensions are:

• Music
• Poetry
• Comedy
• Story-Telling

So that would amount to just four gigs over the year, but there's a strong story and theme amongst them that will help to create a real buzz. This could be a series of gigs that live in the social consciousness for a long time, with more people claiming to have attended than the venues could ever have held.

All I need now is four willing 'celebrities' and four free decent venues… any suggestions?

Picture of a brighth, bright, bright sun shiny day

Cradle to the grave

Cradle to the grave is the name of the 2012 Edinburgh Free Fringe show brought to you by Ant (The GameCat) Smith and Mel (Filth) Jones.

It is performance poetry but with the emphasis on performance - no dour mumbling from the page here. Ant and Mel are both powerful and engaging performers with material that pushes boundaries and guarantees laughs a plenty - as well as something worth talking about in the bar after.

It is showing daily at 1PM from the 13th to the 18th of August 2012.

Venue 309
The Royal Oak, 1 Infirmary Street,  off South Bridge,  Edinburgh, EH1 1LT

About Ant (The GameCat) Smith

Ant ha been banned from a distinguished series of venues due to his belief that "you don't know you're pushing boundaries till they push back...". His material is infectious and painfully honest though. He's on the Apples & Snakes roster (http://www.applesandsnakes.co.uk/page/84/Ant+The+GameCat+Smith/411) - Englands premier spoken word promoters and he has gig with people including TV Smith, Eddie Tudor, Michael Horovitz, Fran Landsman and Attila the StockBroker.

Live Recording: PUNK ROCK

This one was number 1 in the Strummerville download chart:
Punk Rock Live

Studio Recording: Plaything

As arranged by Ms. Terry Mishun with accompanying performance photographs:

Poem: States Of Matter-imony

I keep vacuum bags I've filled

With the dust that fell from you

Wet my finger tip and dip

Sherbet fountain, tasty bits

I store the tears that were spilled

When I disappointed you

I like to bathe when they're distilled

Salty crystals are my pills

Gas or liquid or solid, you are

Lovable in a bag, or in a jar

Anyone can love, tits or arse

Lips or looks or

Thoughts or fucks

I bottle odours you release

In the night time, in your sleep

Nothing smells to me so sweet

As you do under sheets

Gas or liquid or solid, you are

Lovable in a bag, or in a jar

Anyone can love

Flesh and such

I love you

To your guts

About Mel (Filth) Jones

It's taken a long time for Mel Jones to fully accept that she is a filthy, foul-mouthed and perverse woman. Pushing 50, she has spent the majority of her life pigging-out, shagging for kicks, smoking, drinking and spectacularly failing to write and perform poems.

Recently there has been a marked improvement in that she now writes and performs poems. Most of these evidence a strong attraction to the lewd, crude and absurd, although she has been known to explore much more profound subjects such as Lembit Opik and even chicken.

Mel has worked as a cleaner, bingo caller, check-out operator, props maker, jazz singer, counsellor and dominatrix. She was mostly rubbish.

http://jessica-lambert.com/2012/04/12/feature-erotic-literary-salon/
delivers poems as unashamedly raunchy as they are hilarious. From her rousing celebration of homemade porn to her coquettishly brilliant comic timing, Ms Jones is a delight.

www.eroticreviewmagazine.com/content/velvet-tongue
It was poet Mel Jones, however, who stood out as one of the heroes of the evening with her clever wordplay and a natural stage presence. Often ironic but generally good-natured, her laughs frequently came a second or two later as the double entendre hit home with the audience.

www.remotegoat.co.uk/review_view.php?uid=6555
Mel Jones has an amazing stage presence and warns us: 'Just so you know before we start' and 'Fuck me if you think you are hard enough' (have you ever thought of stand up comedy, Mel?)

http://hampstead.amnesty.org.uk/news_details.asp?NewsID=1252

To start off with, the ice was broken by our hilarious M.C. for the evening, comedian Mel Jones, who ultimately reminded us how lucky we all were to be safe in the UK. In many senses she was the star of the show; in between all the acts, however harrowing, she somehow had the audience in stitches!

www.standard.co.uk/lifestyle/.../tall-tales-word-games-7684682.html
serious filth

http://www.writeoutloud.net/public/eventview.php?eventID=8156&day=10&month=04&year=2012
rollicking and gloriously filthy verses, and wonderful jazz voice.

Live Performance Video

Poem: Fuck Me (If You Think You're Hard Enough)

I don’t fall in love

I obsess

My infantile heart was lost

The moment we undressed

My fantasy of you and me

Grew quicker than your cock

The first time you saw my tits.

My soul is in bits

Just awaiting that next call from you

Who, let’s face it, I don’t know at all

And who couldn’t possibly have guessed

That my ‘Yes’ could mean all this

But there’s no need to piss yourself,

Don’t stress

Each time we fuck,

The obsession’ll get a little bit less

I know myself

So the trick is, obviously,

To fuck me cock-eyed

That’s the key

Fuck me till I squawk.

If you want the stalker in me

To die a little death

Fuck me till I haven’t any breath

Till I’m distraught

Otherwise, I'm dangerous

So muster your defences

And roger me so hard that I come

To my senses

Take me repeatedly

Until I boo and hiss your length and breadth

Until soft tissues bruise

And use up all the heat in me

Fuck me till I'm nothing but a sticky

Oozing mess

Of juice and jizz

Fuck me until I refuse to kiss you.

That kind of frequency and depth

Is therapy for me

And for you

It’s a fairly urgent health and safety issue